Trying so hard to become nothing
by Yaoifan101
Summary: Hiroki tries to hide himself from the world using a so called impenetrable armor......and Nowaki doesn't want Hiroki to hide anymore okay T to be safe Nowaki/Hiroki Egoist
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer-I do not own junjou romantica or egoist or the characters.....yeah thats pretty much it**_

_**.............**_

Hiroki, also known as to his students Kamijou the Devil. He had been given that name because of his violent temper and seemingly cruel teaching methods. Hiroki kept up with his title to, everyday appearing to them as a demon.....while they couldn't have been more wrong. Although Hiroki may seem like a devil....he couldn't be more different from one. Never would one of his students know that this image had been created out of his pride, never would they know that this so called 'devil' was only an image that was used by his armor.

Yes, Hiroki had armor...something he thought of as impenetrable. It's job was to keep him hidden, to hide his feelings and emotions....to hide him from the world. Little did anyone know that Hiroki was so insecure. Thats what the armor was for, and it did its job. He had done well in staying hidden....until that one day....6 years ago....when he had been sitting on that bench, and a boy came up to him.....the one weakness to his armor. For after that day.....Hiroki had discovered that this person was the one force able to fracture his armor....the one who could see him....the one person who was able to find him when he was hidden......and his name was...Nowaki.

After he had met Nowaki, Nowaki had managed to fracture his armor. The one thing he thought that no one could ever do. Over those 6 years things had changed.....Nowaki found out ways to weaken his armor....sometimes he really hated it, he hated him for having that power. Then on that one faithful night....the night were Hiroki had thought Nowaki had left him for good, and he went back to the school during that storm.

He was told the shocking truth of it all, he would never be able to forget it......when the professor had told him these words......they still echoed through his ears. That night he had been told the painful truth of it all, something that killed him to hear. That night he had been told the words that broke him to pieces.....he was told the one thing he never wanted to hear.

_"Kamijou...that impenetrable armor that you've built up.......is full of holes"_

Those horrible words.....he never wanted to hear.

TBC

_**okay this was to start it off but it will get better....much much better [mischievous grin]**_

_**Hiroki-"....why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like this..."**_

_**MWAHHAHAHA....yes well.....review please**_


	2. Nowaki's the problem

_**Disclaimer-i do not own junjou romantica egoist or the characters**_

Hiroki had been thinking over the events of that night, those words were haunting him. After all these years of building it up....he had allowed a stupid brat to tear it down. That was what he had come to the conclusion of, it was Nowaki's fault....he was his stupid weakness he was the only one who could break through his armor....he was the one who did this.

But.....it wasn't as if staying away from Nowaki was an option...after all...they lived together. Besides....even if he did break up with him...he knew how it would end....for he knew that he would somehow en up just getting swept away again. Another thing that pissed him off...before Nowaki no one was able to sweep him away in such a way....not even Akihiko. It was only Nowaki who could do this to him...to sweep him away in such a manner as this. Maybe....he could just....avoid him a little.....maybe he could build up a resistance to Nowaki. Maybe then....he could build up his armor once more....without having to tear down his relationship.

"Hiro-san" Nowaki asked. Hiroki looked over at the blue eyed male, snapping out of his train of thought. "Are you alright....you've had the most distant expression on your face for the past 30 minutes" he said.

"I'm fine, I'm just thinking is all" he said. He wasn't lying he was thinking.....but...how could he build up a resistance to his one weakness. How could he ever resist Nowaki.

/_What the hell!? D-did I really just say that....what am I doing I sound like a girl or something, ghh this is exactly what he does to me/_

This had to stop, no matter what it took.....he would find a way to overcome this.

.............

That day Hiroki was sitting at his desk in his conjoined office. Currently typing on the computer his eyes glued to the screen.

"Eh, Kamijou what's wrong with you today" Miyagi asked turning his chair around.

"Nothings wrong with me professor" Hiroki replied calmly. Miyagi raised a skeptical brow at him.

"It doesn't seem like that, come on you can tell me, does it have to do with that boyfriend of yours again?" he asked. Hiroki let out an agitated breath he was getting annoyed.

"My life is none of your business professor, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop sticking your nose into it" he said. Miyagi sighed.

"Defensive are we, you know its not good to keep all your emotions bottled up like that...sooner or later you'll have to let them out one way or another" he said putting out his cigarette in the ash tray.

"Thank you for your concern but I'm just fine handling myself professor" Hiroki replied and continued typing.

"You sure...?" Miyagi asked.

"Yes, I'm completely sure, I'm perfectly fine handling myself and my emotions" he said his typing slowing unconsciously. "Besides.....I'm 28...I don't need to cry about my problems like some little kid" he said. Miyagi watched him with a frown on his face.

There was silence in the office and Miyagi had dropped the subject.

/_Yeah, its not good to bottle up your emotions...and yet I've done it my entire life.....I can't let them see me....I can't let them see....I have to hide it....I have to hide myself.....I have to hide from all of them/_

He had to. Hiroki sat there staring at the keyboard his eyes glazed over, a look of sorrow and pain lurking beneath them. He sat there a few moments before realizing that he had stopped typing, he looked at his fingers frozen on the keyboard. Upon realizing this he began to type once more but it was evident that his pace had still slowed. For now he was deep in thought.....trying to figure out how to resist this....trying to resist his only one true weakness....the cause of this problem..

Nowaki.

TBC

_**okay second chap i like writing this story so far...I really wish you guys woudl review....and read it PLEASE IM BEGGIN YA IM SO BORED**_


	3. Hiroki's stress

_**Disclaimer-i do not own Junjou romantica or egoist or the characters**_

Hiroki upon thinking of this became filled with stress. He sat there at his desk Miyagi had gone out for more paper because the copier had run out. He had stopped typing, rain was beginning to fall outside he stared at his keyboard the stress consuming him. He let his head fall into his hands.

/_This never would have happened....if I had just....if I'd just have...never met Nowaki/_

Hiroki widened his eyes at his own thoughts.

/_No...no thats not true....its not that...I regret meeting him....I just wish that he didn't have this sort power of me...its hard enough trying to resist the one you love/_

Hiroki let out a distressed groan.

"Why me" he asked silently. Miyagi nudged open the door with his foot.

"Eh, Kamijou-" he started and stopped looking over at the distressed male. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"Eh,..uh no I just have a bit of a headache is all" Hiroki lied picking up his head again and looking back at the screen. He frowned though he hated this, he hated it so much.....he could just feel his armor cracking.

..........

That night Hiroki had walked home in the rain he was dripping wet when he got home. He opened the door his eyes dead as he stared at the ground. He discarded his coat and dropped his bag on the ground uncaringly as he walked into the house.

"Hiro-san" Nowaki asked looking up. Hiroki stood there and then looked up at him. "Huh, what happened to you your soaking wet" Nowaki said standing up and walking over to him.

"It started raining" Hiroki answered simply avoiding Nowaki's gaze.

/_One look and I'll be swept away again....I have to control myself this time.....I can't let him get through...I have to block him out...I have to hide....I have to hide form him...just like everyone else/_

"Are you alright Hiro-san" Nowaki asked looking at his lovers slightly dead and saddened expression.

"Yeah, I'm fine" he replied silently. Nowaki frowned sadly looking down at the older brunette, he hated to see Hiroki so unhappy. "I.....I just wanna go to sleep" Hiroki said.

"Alright....goodnight Hiro-san" Nowaki said as the older male walked past him.

"G'night" he replied and shut the bedroom door. Nowaki frowned, for Miyagi wasn't the only one who knew about his impenetrable armor...he knew it very well. He didn't like it....he didn't like Hiroki concealing himself in such a way. Cutting himself off from the world like that, trying to bottle everything up and hide. He frowned again the thought saddened him.

He hated to see him so unhappy....he was always trying to get Hiroki out....he wanted him to know that it was okay to let it out sometimes....that he didn't have to hide from everyone...and everything. He wanted him to know that he was there for him.

Most of the time Nowaki always got Hiroki to come through....he'd only seen Hiroki open up to him..it made him feel special in a way to know he was the only one. But...still.....he didn't want Hiroki to hide anymore. He let out a sigh and sat on the couch.

"Hiro-san" he said not really saying it for any reason, he just needed to say his name. He loved him so much, he didn't want to see him like this anymore.

He didn't want him to hide anymore.

TBC

_**yeah third chap i luv writing this thanks fer the reviews....yep....this story will get good VERY GOOD MWUAHAHA**_

_**Hiroki-"this girl is crazy"**_

_**me-"shut up or else "**_

_**Hiroki" ._. what do you mean 'or else'"**_

_**me-"ooooo you'll see HAHAHA**_

_**Hiroki-"oh shit -_-l**_


	4. Why you?

_**disclaimer-i do not own junjou romantica or egoist or the characters blah blah blah**_

_**..............**_

Hiroki laid there in bed the rain pounding against window, a feeling of anxiety was haunting him. He tried to fall asleep but he couldn't, a clap of thunder rang through his ears a flash lighting up the dark room for a split second. He felt like his heart was pounding in his chest, like it was becoming hard to breath. He cursed this he cursed it all. Why should someone....like him....have such power over him. Why should such a brat like Nowaki be able to do this to him.

He tugged the covers up over his shoulder trying to create a shield for himself, trying to escape from the cold unforgiving world outside. He let out a shaking breath, maybe Miyagi was right it wasn't good to keep all of this inside of him.....but he couldn't help it, it was in his nature to keep everyone outside. He frowned and let his hazel colored eyes drift downward.

What a pitiful way to live. He couldn't help it, his armor was apart of him, he couldn't discard it, it was impossible.

"Nowaki....why you, why did it have to be you" he asked in a silent voice as the storm raged outside lighting flashing across the midnight sky. "Why you of all people, why did it have to be you, why, why Nowaki, why you" he asked in a mourning tone.

He closed his eyes, he just wanted to sleep, to escape from this world he tried so desperately to hide from. Right now Hiroki wanted nothing more then to become invisible, it was his one and only true wish. To become something no one would notice, to blend in to the point were no one could see him. It was all he wanted.

He waited for sleep to overtake him, but it seemed as if it would never come. The truth of it all was now becoming impossible to ignore, the painful truth of it all was that his armor was shattering. His cover was fading away, and soon he would have to face the world, that was the part that scared him the most. That he could not let happen. So......Hiroki on that night finally came...to a decision.

The final decision to stop his pain, to make it so that the horrible truth could never happen......

he had to leave Nowaki.

.................

Nowaki meanwhile was still sitting on the couch thinking over his own thoughts. He didn't know what Hiroki was feeling. For he was never the one to hide from people, he spoke his mind and showed his feelings. He wished Hiroki would do the same but.....it seemed almost impossible.

How can you change a person, who's been like that their whole life. How can you change something thats become a part of you. This was the real question.

How?

How?

How was he suppose to do such a thing, such a deed that seemed in vain. Nowaki rested his head in his hand, the only thing he ever wanted was for Hiroki to be happy. He had promised him that, and he could not go back on his promise. Yet, how could fulfill it now.

It came down to one thing.......who was stronger......the armor.....

or him.

..............

That night during the storm both boys had suffered in their thoughts unable to fall asleep. It had been the worst night of their entire lives.

Once morning had come Hiroki seemed in a rush to get out of the house, he needed to think, to think over his decision. He ran out the door and started down the streets, he stared at the ground.

_/How am I suppose to do this to him, how can I do this, it pains me to admit it.....but Nowaki is my one weakness....and some how I've grown to need him. So much so that I can't be without him, I hate him so much for doing this, and yet I love him. I hate him for that as well, and I love him. I can't stop hating him for what he does to me and for that same reason I love him, and I hate him for making me love him, and for that reason.....I can't help love him more./_

Hiroki neared the University and walked down the deserted halls coming to the door of his office. He opened it and stepped inside.

"Kamijou, you look horrible, you look like you haven't slept all night" Miyagi said looking at the assistant professor.

"I assure you I'm fine" he replied sitting down. He looked down at his desk the same type of sorrow lurking beneath them.

/_I love him....i love him so much and for that reason I hate him.....I hate him for loving me...and I love him because I hate him/_

A feeling of anxiety and distress swept over him, he let his head fall in his hands. The sky was a dark grey color this morning. Miyagi looked at the younger brunette with a frown, sensing the younger ones distress.

"Kamijou, I told you you shouldn't keep everything to yourself all the time" he said. "If you do its going to tear you apart, if you keep it to yourself for to long it'll destroy you" he said. Hiroki looked down.

"What would you know about that professor" he asked a slight sound of spite in his voice. His brows furrowed slightly in a pained look. "How would you know a damn about how I feel right now" he asked his voice practically shaking. "You don't know everything about me......" he said. "My life is none of your business, so stop acting like you already know everything about how I feel right now.......you don't know a damn about how I feel" he said.

There was no reply thought from the older professor. He simply frowned at the man. This is why he urged the man to tell him his problems, for the others armor was only going to make him suffer. For the armor was made to keep everything inside, and this would be the end to him, because now nothing could come out, the armor would keep it in so that eventually it would kill him from the inside.

He turned around in his chair with a frown, he was only digging his own grave.

Hiroki sat there dealing with his inner conflict.

/_I have to get away from him, it the only way......its the only way I can keep on living, if I keep him around, it will only end with my armor shattering to pieces. I love him so much, and thats why I have to leave him, no matter how much I love him, I have to hide form him, just like everyone else, if I stay with him any longer, he'll be the death of me. Thats why I must leave him/_

Hiroki felt as if he could cry at his thoughts.

"Why.....why you" he whispered inaudibly.

"Why did it have to be you".

TBC

_**WAAAAA poor Hiroki hey by the way the music I'm listening to while writing this story really sets the mood nicely if you want to knwo what it is its from the soundtrack of Wolf's Rain its called "Rakuen"**_


	5. a new armor

_**disclaimer-I do not own junjou romantica or egoist or the characters**_

_**............**_

That day Hiroki found himself even more distant then he usually was...the mere thought of breaking up with Nowaki again sent him over the edge. He had to stay strong though it was for the best. He had to remember that.

Well classes had ended for the day and Hiroki sat there at his office once more. He kept typing on the computer thinking of how to do this. The last time had been more convenient he had already moved and changed his number, besides he sent a letter. How would this work...he would have to say it to his face, and they were living together at the moment......this would be harder then he thought.

It was getting late and Hiroki seemed like he was now stalling, in a foolish attempt to stop from going home. Miyagi looked over at him.

"It's getting late Kamijou, you should go home" he said. The other sat there with his back to the older professor.

"I'm fine, I have to catch up on this work anyways, you should go home though" he replied silently.

"What, and leave you here all by yourself" Miyagi asked.

"I'll be alright, I'll lock up when I'm done" he said his voice had a slight dead tone to it. Miyagi sighed and stood up.

"Well alright then" he said and left. Leaving Hiroki alone in the office. Hiroki's hands began to gradually slow, until they came to a stop on the keys of the keyboard. He looked down at his hands, his expression was slightly dead and blank.

His eyes said it all though, full of sorrow and pain, glazed over with anxiety and distress, a deep look of blankness resting in his eyes.

"Nowaki" he said silently the words slipping past his lips. ".....Why have you done this to me..." he asked.

There was a deep silence that overtook the dark room.

"Why did it have to be you, why did you have to be my weakness.....if only it had been someone else....then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain".

_/And yet, the very reason of you being my weakness is how you've been able to travel so deeply into my heart,...one of the things that I've so deeply tried to hide, and you've managed to travel so much into it....that I can no longer be around you. It is for that reason that causes me such pain, because since you've traveled so deeply into my heart....I can't stand to be without you/_

A look of distress overtook his face as he was torn between two thoughts, so much so he looked as if he would cry. He felt his breath shaking, he closed his eyes tightly as they began to sting.

"What am I to do" he asked.

He sat there for a few moments as if waiting for an answer.....but it never came. Hiroki opened his eyes, a look in his eyes was enough to bring someone to tears. That there was absolutely no hope, as if something inside him had been shattered.

"There's no use in arguing with myself......I know that I can't stay with him any longer....it will only destroy me" he said silently. Upon this decision, Hiroki stood up and gathered his things.

He walked to the door and locked it at his exited. He walked down the empty halls and out the door of the building. His pace was slow.

/_I have to do this.....I need to...It has to be done. For so long I've only had one goal in my life....and that was to become nothing.....that's been my only wish for as long as I can remember...I've hid from the world all my life...I've hid from everyone. I have to hide....I have to run away...I have to hide from all of them. If I ever let them in it would be the death of me./_

Hiroki watched the ground as he thought to himself.

/_I knew ever since I was a child...that if anyone ever managed to break my armor....soon it would shatter....and then I would be forced to face the world that I've tried so hard to hide from..I would have to show myself. I can not let that happen.....even if it means leaving the one I love....I can't bear to have my cover taken away. I need to hide....I need....to become nothing/_

Hiroki soon came up to the stairs leading to the apartment. He dreaded the journey as he stopped in front of the door. He stared at it forcing himself to open it. He did it slowly and then stepped in,discarding his bag and coat. Just then ...it began to rain outside.

Nowaki looked over.

"Ah, welcome back...your home a little late" he commented standing up. Hiroki walked in the house without a sound, not meeting the others face.

"I just had some work to finish up...I'm kind of tired" he said walking into the bedroom. He knew Nowaki was following him.

"Hiro-san...is there something bothering you....have I done something to upset you" he asked. Hiroki didn't look up...he couldn't bare to look into those eyes. The rain thrashed against the window, claps of thunder followed by a flash of lighting that lit up the sky.

"No....its not that....Nowaki...there's something I need to tell you" he said he felt a lump in his throat and his heart sink. He sat down on the bed looking down as a flash lit up the dark room.

"Yes Hiro-san" Nowaki asked looking at the brunette. Hiroki opened his mouth but no words came out. He thought he should at least look Nowaki in the eyes...he deserved that much. Hiroki lifted up his head his hazel eyes meeting blue.

As soon as he looked at those eyes....he knew he was done for....the cracking could be heard in the back of his head. He shut his eyes and fell on the bed pulling the covers over him. Nowaki widened his eyes at his lovers actions.

"Hiro-san?" he asked looking at the lump, he frowned though.

Hiroki laid there under the covers....trying to cover himself up...to become unnoticeable...to become nothing. Nowaki frowned at him as if understanding what he was doing, he walked over to the bed kneeling down on it. His eyes were slightly sad as he looked upon the other.

"Please don't hide from me Hiro-san" he said.

Hiroki's eyes widened as he heard the other say this. Nowaki leaned over Hiroki almost so he was laying on top of him.

"You don't need to anymore"

he said softly and then rapped his fingers around the sheet and pulled it off of him. Hiroki's eyes were wide his brows furrowed together. He felt so....exposed....there was nothing to hide behind....he laid there almost in a frozen manor his armor still holding everything inside,trying to hide him.

Then....it happened......his armor.....shattered.

Hiroki's eyes became full of fear all a sudden as he laid there on his side. For now....he had nothing left to hide him....and he was faced with the thing he feared the most....he was now forced to show himself to the world....he was forced to become something......because now...there was nothing to hide him, or cover him up or shield him away.

Hiroki felt his breath shaking, his body trembling, and to his dismay his eyes stinging and soon filling with tears. Nowaki frowned looking down at his lover....looking at how broken up he looked....now forced to face what he feared most.....now having the one thing he used to cover him taken away.

He leaned down closer to him.

"You don't need to hide anymore Hiro-san" he said gently. "You've hid behind that armor for so long..your whole life you been trying to become nothing...you've tried so hard to hide from the world...you've tried so hard to keep everyone out." Nowaki reached out his hand brushing a few strands of his hair from his face, as tears began to roll down the others face.

"You don't need to...you don't have to keep everyone else out...you don't have to run away...you don't have to depend on that armor to protect you" he said. Hiroki kept his head half buried in the pillow, as his breaths began to shorten and quicken, soon turning into small sobs.

Nowaki's hand touched the side of his face. But Hiroki refused to meet the others eyes. Nowaki looked down at his love and wrapped his arms around the others shaking figure.

"You don't have to face the world alone...because I'm here now" he said. Hiroki shut his eyes as tears spilled over them. "You don't have to hide anymore Hiro-san...you don't have to use that armor to protect you...and you don't have to hide behind it anymore" he said.

Nowaki looked at the brunette and then took his chin bringing it so he was facing him making the older male turn onto his back. Hiroki's eyes were still shut, refusing to look at him. Nowaki looked down at him.

"From now on.....let me be your armor" he said.

Hiroki's eyes shot open at hearing the other say this, Nowaki brought this chin up and leaned down kissing him, causing Hiroki's eyes to close once more. Hiroki's sobs were muffled through the kiss until they were silenced. Nowaki lifted his head up slightly to look at the other.

"Because I'll never break" he said and kissed him again. Tears ran down the others face as he heard those words leave Nowaki's lips.

Once the younger one departed he looked down at the brunette, his hand still holding his chin.

"Hiro-san....please look at me" he said. The other didn't though. Hiroki couldn't bring himself to look at Nowaki's face....to look into those eyes...because he knew if he did......he'd be swept away again.

"Hiro-san..please look at me" he repeated in an almost plea. Hiroki paused before slowly opening his eyes.

Until his eyes came to rest on Nowaki's blue ones. He stared into them and could feel himself falling apart. He closed his eyes again bringing his head down as the sobs once more escaped him. Nowaki looked down at Hiroki his eyes softening as he released the grip of his hand and pulled the other into his embrace once more.

/_Why....why did it have to be you...why someone like you...to have such power over me....why. It's you.....only you...thats been able...to finally...shatter my armor to pieces....your the only one...who's been able to travel so far into my heart. Your the only one...that I can't live without...and that I love..and I hate it....and for that reason I only love you more...your the only one../_

Hiroki let his hands tighten around the fabric of the others shirt....for now he had found his new armor.

/_I love you so much that I can't be without you/_

Nowaki held onto the brunette as if he'd never let go. "Please don't hide from me anymore Hiro-san....because from now on...I want to be the one to protect you". Hiroki's hazel eyes opened as he listened to the other.

/_All my life I've tried to hide from people...this is the only time that I've faced them/_

"From now on I want to be the one you can depend on...I want to be the one you can run to".

/_But....now...I have you Nowaki....you've shattered my armor...and now...you've become the very thing that you had been breaking/_

"From now on....I want to be the one that you show yourself to I love you so much....I never want you to be alone again" he said tightening his grip.

_/You had destroyed the very thing that I thought impenetrable....but now....I know that with you....my armor really will be impenetrable and-/_

"I never want you to hide from me again...now I want to be apart of you always...so that I can never leave you...and then you'll never be able to hide again...and I'll always....be with you" he said closing his eyes holding onto the brunette.

Hiroki listened to the other say this, he hadn't even noticed that his sobbing had stopped. He let his eyes start to close. As his distress was now lifted and a new reassurance overtook him, for the first time in his life settling all fears of the outside world.

Hiroki closed his eyes as he let his head lean against the others chest.

He didn't need to hide anymore, because Nowaki acted as his armor now...one that would never break..one that would stay apart of him his whole life.

The storm had been forgotten as the two laid there. Nowaki looked at the brunette as he lifted up his head Hiroki this time met his gaze. His eyes half lidded now, Nowaki leaned down and kissed him.

/_I'll always be protected/_

Hiroki felt a reassurance, for now he had new armor one that would never leave him, and this was one that he could never live without, one that he loved with all his heart..and hated...and for that reason only loved it more.

He kissed Nowaki back, because nothing else in the world mattered anymore..not as long as Nowaki was with him. The two looked at each other a soft and warm smile gracing Nowaki's face as he held the brunette in his arms. The two laid there like that with no care in the world, for holding on to each other was all that mattered.

He had tried to become nothing for so long....

...but now...

Hiroki let a small smile grace his lips, as he felt sleep overtaking him. "I love you" he whispered out before falling asleep in the others arms.

.....with Nowaki.......

Nowaki glanced down at the other as he heard him say this he smiled though closing his eyes as well. "I love you too" he said as sleep also claimed him.

.....he knew he was something.

END

_**AHHHH I FINALLY FINISHED IT OMG AHHHHHH....REVIEW**_


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